Cathartic Exercise

I was encouraged the other night by my friend Jen to consider using my blog as a cathartic exercise, even when I don't feel I have any great thoughts to write. I'll admit I had to look up the word cathartic before I could even use it above, and I discovered it is usually related to laxatives. Nice. Well, here I am...

It's not as though nothing has been happening in my life that would be worthy of blogging, it's just not a main release anymore. I think being on home soil, where I tell my stories and my thoughts with most people face-to-face, has made this spot less of a priority. But I'm going to attempt to regain some regularity (regularity and cathartic - great!) just blogging from my thoughts, my musings, my day-to-day.

I guess I should mention that since my last blog I have traveled to Calgary, Victoria and California. Not too shabby for a 4 week absence. I led a group of students down to Calgary to spend 4 days serving and learning at the Mustard Seed, which is an inner-city mission. Our time there was really exciting to be a part of, we were so welcomed and God was doing good things in the hearts of our students. So I was thrilled! Victoria was our annual Staff retreat, where we are so blessed and looked after in an incredible spot on the sea for four great days! That included time on a yacht, sea kayaking, lounging in the outdoor pool, non-stop food and I guess a bit of work in there too - vision casting and prayer. And finally I spent the last week in California - Disneyland! The whole family went, that's 8 of us for 8 days in 2 hotel rooms and we didn't kill each other! I don't think Disney and the crowds are quite my style, but it was an incredible experience and we had loads of fun. I love my family!

And now it's today. Less than 2 months remain in this job of mine, and I'm starting to get excited about what's next, what with all the possibilities! I have had plans, and then they've fallen through a zillion times now. And I'm frustrated, and sad and excited. I think the next step is going to require some big changes and for the first time ever that is a somewhat nerve-wracking prospect. But it's not as though I really want to stay here in Grande Prairie either. My inner feelings are complicated, they contradict.

Amidst that complication it is becoming more and more likely that the second half of my summer is going to be spent with small travels, friends and adventures. I am cooking up a hiking roadtrip down the West coast all the way to northern California. Stopping for some of the best day hikes along the way and seeing mountains, ocean, redwood forests! I am hoping to take sometime at a retreat or with a spiritual director trying to make sense of some of my directional confusion and the emotions wrapped up in it. I've just discovered that my friends Jen and Andrey might be in Alberta at some point and I'd love to see them! And there may be an opportunity to continue my involvement in fundraising and speaking out against sex trafficking in a summer tour. And all of those sound either very fun or at least deeply meaningful.

I finish work mid-July and then I'm free. Free to do these things. Free to figure out where I am in the midst of what I have pursued and what might be next. Free to be unemployed...gulp. But definitely free.

January & Music

A catch-up blog is long overdue. I have become a bad blogger, and I don't know if any of you even read this anymore, due to my long absences. The month of January started with a great dance party and ended with a trip to Breakforth in Edmonton.

Which was an odd experience. I loved getting to hear Shane Claiborne speak, I went to all three of his sessions and I was encouraged and challenged! The rest of the weekend was just odd. I'm not sure what I think of the glossy mega-conference, with celebrity speakers and worship leaders. That's the short version. I wrote pages about it in my journal and I've had many discussions, in short I don't think it's something I would go to again.

I did enjoy a concert with NewWorldSon! If you get the chance to see them live, GO! They aren't my favourite anything, but seeing them live, what a show! I danced and jumped my heart out alongside the Wiebe boys for the whole set, what a blast!

This past weekend Scott, Barry, Andrew and I hosted The Gallery, a coffeehouse venue for local art and music that we love. This was our second go at it, and it was incredible! I got to showcase my photos, which was really fun. And the evening started with my sister's first gig with her own tunes, included the local act This Conviction and Chanda Cooper with some of her musical friends. What a great night! I love good music!

This Conviction

Chanda Cooper (w/ Bob Cooper on the kit, and Daxid Stobie all blurry on the djembe)

Martin Johann Kloppers (playing w/ Chanda)

In Between

Sometimes I wish to use this blog to share those deepest things, things that I get out best with pen and paper in hand. Which is something I haven't been doing this year. So sometimes I think it would be easy just to write them out here. But then there they would be, for all the world to read. And so I don't.
Sometimes I wonder at how my blog becomes a sounding place for only the happy and momentous. I don't share pictures of the day-to-day, and I rarely write of anything resembling pain. At least not since I returned home. Fact is I almost don't know where to begin. And then I wonder if I should trust the whole world, (though there are surely only 5 of you reading). So I don't write.
One thing that I have been facing, noticing and living in the midst of is my personal tendency to experience other's pain. Empathy. I have too much of it. For the last three months now I have been quite able to cry, in every moment. And I certainly have, I can't count how many times I've cried at work, I mean I even had a good cry at the swimming pool during Teen Camp.
I was talking to my Nana last week, talking about the realization and experience of a love that can not fix everything. A heartbreaking truth; our best attempts, (and our failures), all added up do not directly equal some sort of wholeness or healing. A mirror of the way that even God's perfect love does not force us to respond to Him. A reality of heartbreak. In my life and in others around me.
And I feel like an emotional cripple. I can't deal with the reality of constant sadness, disappointment and emptiness. So when I get a hold on all the tears, I straighten myself up, turn to look the opposite way and tell God, "I can't deal with this. You have to." And try to ignore it. Because when my thoughts and heart return to the matters that surround, the depths of brokenness overwhelm me and I become a person who uses cold compress tea bags to maintain a normal appearance.
Hmm, perhaps this is why I don't write. Because who in reading, wants to be brought down into the mire? I do not mean to cause anyone any sense of alarm. I do not pretend that the sadnesses I feel all around me are greater than the sadnesses that surround most of us. But rather I am in the midst, and I'm crying my way through. With desperate, ineloquent prayers too. So in between the pictures I post, I hope you might know me more honestly, living out happy occasions, yes, but not always carefree.

Tag

My dear friend Jen tagged me in I dunno-what-kinda tag. And I'm not really sure why I have the impulse to take on the torch being "it", but I am being "it". Therefore I will now quote to you the 5th, 6th and 7th sentences of Page 123, of the nearest book, which happens to be "Help: My Kids Are Hurting." I should reiterate that I'm currently a youth pastor, which makes the book choice seem a little less, from left field. Question: where is the number 4?

In a 1993 survey conducted by the YWCA of Indianapolis at the Indiana Juvenile Correctional Facility -

• 141 of 150 female offenders had experienced at least one painful loss prior to incarceration.
• a 2003 update of the survey found the 99% of those surveyed had experienced multiple losses prior to incarceration.

And those are the facts about grief and loss I guess! So I've played my part, and now I tag Chantal, Mia, and Lindsey. If you're reading - you're "it"!

Bad Blogger

I've become a bad blogger. Sorry. It's been a long time since I've graced this page with new words. Well in this moment I'm putting off heading to work, don't worry, I'll go in a minute. Life is good. Mr. John Reuben is here tomorrow night - should be a great show! We've been looking forward to this for quite a while - I hope a ton of kids come out! Guess I'm gonna have to put my hip-hop on.
And then even more than that, Friday morning we're all heading to Calgary for Emerge - ABC's youth conference. I haven't been to Cowtown in 2 years, and I'm excited. Of course this time I'm responsible for the well-being of almost 20 kiddos. Yikes! If you're out there, I'd appreciate your prayers for our safety and for the weekend to have a lasting effect.
Well, starting the car and heading in the direction of the Work can only be avoided for so long.

Juno

I've just seen Juno.
And it was a fantastic film! Maybe I should say that I prefer the word "film" to "movie", as I feel that the latter suggests merely mindless entertainment. While films are smart, emotional, beautiful, or otherwise worthwhile. It wasn't perfect, it had a certain rough edge: on every side. But it was good.
I've just finished bawling in my kitchen.
And I don't know why. I'm not the type to cry at just any sappy scene, No, it's the surprising moments that claim my tears. Like the Tim Hortons commercial with the Chinese father and son, where the father disapproves of hockey, but secretly shows up to every game. That commercial does the trick.
Tonight it was the delivery scene in Juno and the moments after, as she just cries; my tears came, and the shakes, and I couldn't tell you why. Even now, and 10 minutes ago, I'm crying. I'm deeply, deeply sad or moved or called or lonely. I'm not sure how to title the emotion. I don't know what it is. It's just an ache with tears.
Watch Juno, it's good, really good. You probably won't cry, the film is clever and light, but it's the heaviest light to me right now. And I want to understand just why.

Because I Have To

I've been telling myself I would blog when I could post some pics from last weeks Clinic Anniversary party. But I feel like it's been too long since I last said anything. And how lame is this, I'm blogging about blogging because I feel like I have to blog.
Well today was my very last Cebuano class. From this point on I'm winging it, and not giving too much time into learning more and more. I've reached a level of fluency at the clinic (read very, very not fluent!), that I feel proud of, considering I've only been speaking the language 3 months. And I hope I get better just by being here and using the language and asking questions. But I have decided that my weekly time of studying grammar and sentence composition is done! And that's a little relieving. I enjoy gaining the language, but man, the whole language learning thing is tough!
I got a very exciting email today, my friend Sonya, who visited me in Manila this spring, is coming back to the Phils in 2 weeks. And lucky me, we'll get to have a couple days to re-catch up, and do some touristy things. I'm excited to see her, maybe we'll even have a couple small adventures!
I'm hoping that tomorrow I can post a few pics from last weeks party. So, be on the alert!
For now, goodbye.

Kapoy Kaayo Ko

I think I woke up yesterday at 6:00am, it's now one day later, 5:00pm. And I'm feeling almost comatose in this little internet cafe - I should be going home, to SLEEP! My 12hr shift last night turned into a 20ish hour shift, and then there was Cebuano class, and I have now just finished a run. And everything seems like it's in slo-mo already, kinda hazy.
We welcomed another new baby at about 3:00am this morning, Praise Jesus! Healthy, happy, and very, very cute. In order to get the most experience possible, to get my "numbers", and learn, learn, learn. I have taken on extra patients - patients who I make sure to do all of their prenatal check-ups, their deliveries, their postpartums. Meaning lots more work and a great chance to minister. So - kapoy kaayo ko sa tudlo sunod buwan. (I'm going to be very tired for the next 3 months.) But that's why I'm here right?
I don't feel like this post is really going anywhere, I'm currently incapable of inspired thought, or recalling anecdotes. So I bid you adieu, (how many languages can I use in one post??). This is just to let you know that I am in fact, mildly alive, and might be capable of posting more intelligently and meaningfully sa ugma (tomorrow).
PS: This is how my brain works now, in Ceblish, get ready for baby-talk-Kim when I get back this Christmas!

Normal?

My eyes are squinting as I try to run through all my online activities quickly, the computers in this internet cafe are prehistoric, and that manages to steal some of the joy from emailing and posting!
The last week has been very normal, certainly nothing out of the ordinary, what does a person write about when life is normal? I don't know, so in the name of News, I will give you these little tidbits...

• We celebrated the 8th of July last Sunday (basically we were late), and I enjoyed it with Filipinos, Americans and one fellow Canadian. In the midst of a whole lot of Red, White and Blue, I frosted one cookie with a Canadian flag, and us Canucks shared it.
• I am working my brain harder than usual (ha) with my recently acquired addiction to Sudoku, the ever-present midwifery studies and my new Cebuano efforts. I'll either come back without brain activity or as a genius.
• After wondering where my kitty had gone to for so many hours, I finally tracked a small mewing from my closet, where I had unknowingly locked her for hours. Ooops.
• I am becoming very comfortable in the killing of cockroaches, last night I was talking with a patient when I noticed a roach on the wall beside us, without any hesitation I lifted my flip flop and did away with him, all in a days work you know.
• I bought a new hot pink pot and pan this week, seriously mahal kaayo! But at least now all my food isn't black and rusty!
• I loved Church yesterday, I'm usually attending the Vineyard here, which is located in a really needy part of town and all around the congregation you can point out Glory Reborn midwives, nurses, our cook or security guard and past patients and their babies. Everyone is so friendly, which is a very Filipino trait, but they are even more than friendly, if I could remember that many names and faces I would now know the whole church!
• I am discovering the great complexity of Cebuano, I was foolish to think I would ever understand this! I mean, I know I will, but this morning's lesson in Actor Topic Verb forms, was enough to overwhelm me for this week! I get so flustered in class, our teacher will ask a question and I'm left flipping pages, "That was on...No, Wait...Ok that one and..., Umm..."

Perhaps this week will become less normal and I will be able to find pictures and stories to share with you. Have a good week!

Learn to Comment 101

1. Now if there is anyone out there who is interested in commenting but aren't so sure about the process, here we go...

After the incredibly inspiring and witty blog that you want to comment on there will be a link saying how many comments have been left for that article. Click on that link, whether it says "0 comments" or "23 comments".

Click and a new little window will apear. You can read what other people have said (kinda like eavesdropping, hehe). And then you can write whatever you'd like to say.

You can comment whether you are a member or not. You can leave you name, your email or stay anonymous.

But now that you have read this it means you have to comment - no excuses now - uhuh.

The Other Side

I feel like you folks are only getting to know the one side of me. See, on this page I leave my serious stuff, the countdown entries, the God-stuff and everything about my trip (which I suppose is the purpose of this page). But I'm running another blog on myspace and its mostly the opposite side. I write about getting lost driving to Fort St John and how there are too many spiders in the world, I write what is trivial. I need both, they are my balance. But I don't want you to know just the serious me! Maybe I will write more trivial things here. I should write more often.
But to be sure you are getting a full understanding look into myspace. There's a whole new world...okay maybe not really all that different. But there's more.

Mandatory Check-In

Well, I've been a terrible blogger so-far, I will improve. I posted earlier that I had only 3 more weeks living/working away from home. How foolish!! I'm still here. Life as I know it is rather uneventful, as the countdown to midwifery school heats up there will be more to post here, more to share. Can't wait to let you in on all I'm learning and experiencing. And until then I have my nose to the grindstone, or stuck in a textbook!

141 Days...

141 days. That's how long I have before I start Midwifery school. And even a few days before that I will be leaving the country to travel down to Boise and get settled in. Leaving the country... and for 15 months, maybe more!! I have never been gone from Canada for so long, I've never been apart from my FAMILY for so long. And that is something that scares me, I am really going to miss them!
Why is that in order to travel and have adventures, to meet amazing new friends, you have to leave behind all that you love. My family, my friends here, they're just as important to me as anyone I meet in travelling. But I can't have both, or rather I can't be with both.
As for now I really have neither! Work has taken me out of town, to a wonderfully greasy small Northern town. I don't really see people, but instead plunk numbly away at a computer all the day long. 3 weeks down, 3+ more to go! And all of it in the name of money, money for school, money to be a midwife, money to go and serve the God who made both women and children!
141 more days!

Welcome

Thanx for visiting this humble blog. I'm just getting started, so it may be slow going for the first few months. But things will really start to heat up next summer! This will be my place to let you in on all that I experience, learn and photograph wherever I am. Peace.