In Between

Sometimes I wish to use this blog to share those deepest things, things that I get out best with pen and paper in hand. Which is something I haven't been doing this year. So sometimes I think it would be easy just to write them out here. But then there they would be, for all the world to read. And so I don't.
Sometimes I wonder at how my blog becomes a sounding place for only the happy and momentous. I don't share pictures of the day-to-day, and I rarely write of anything resembling pain. At least not since I returned home. Fact is I almost don't know where to begin. And then I wonder if I should trust the whole world, (though there are surely only 5 of you reading). So I don't write.
One thing that I have been facing, noticing and living in the midst of is my personal tendency to experience other's pain. Empathy. I have too much of it. For the last three months now I have been quite able to cry, in every moment. And I certainly have, I can't count how many times I've cried at work, I mean I even had a good cry at the swimming pool during Teen Camp.
I was talking to my Nana last week, talking about the realization and experience of a love that can not fix everything. A heartbreaking truth; our best attempts, (and our failures), all added up do not directly equal some sort of wholeness or healing. A mirror of the way that even God's perfect love does not force us to respond to Him. A reality of heartbreak. In my life and in others around me.
And I feel like an emotional cripple. I can't deal with the reality of constant sadness, disappointment and emptiness. So when I get a hold on all the tears, I straighten myself up, turn to look the opposite way and tell God, "I can't deal with this. You have to." And try to ignore it. Because when my thoughts and heart return to the matters that surround, the depths of brokenness overwhelm me and I become a person who uses cold compress tea bags to maintain a normal appearance.
Hmm, perhaps this is why I don't write. Because who in reading, wants to be brought down into the mire? I do not mean to cause anyone any sense of alarm. I do not pretend that the sadnesses I feel all around me are greater than the sadnesses that surround most of us. But rather I am in the midst, and I'm crying my way through. With desperate, ineloquent prayers too. So in between the pictures I post, I hope you might know me more honestly, living out happy occasions, yes, but not always carefree.