Embracing Bright Sadness

It's spring here all windy and sunny, and people out walking and buying bicycles across the street. I have been enjoying walks down to the river and around the neighbourhood, past incredible houses and yards that look like acreages, and rundown apartment complexes and boarded up homes. I love this strange place of Bowness.
I have been working with the twins for the last 3 weeks and this is really the perfect job for me right now! I spend my days juggling the babes, so far they're still so small that I can lift and care for one in each arm. Right now the most challenging part is feeding or burping them both at the same time. But the the true challenge will come as they get bigger. Yikes. All in all I think it's perfect: 2 sweet babies by day, social life and good night's sleep by night!
There are about 3 weeks left of school and my only remaining assignment is a hermeneutics paper on Hebrews 6, and whether or not Christians can reject Jesus and then be brought back to repentance. I anticipate it to be intense, but really good too, right?
Also good - Lent, I've been really challenged so far, and I'm glad about that. I've participated in Lent before and found my practice a little empty. This has hit closer to my heart, my choices, my pocketbook. Perfect. It hits when my favourite pair of jeans get a bad hole in them, I only have 2 other pairs. To shop now would simply be filling a need, but instead I get to exercise restraint and wait until after Easter. Wearing the jeans I like less, wearing skirts and leggings. Keeping my fast and recognizing that so many do not get to choose to simply buy new jeans when old ones get holes. Much less clothes they don't need, or luxurious treats like chocolate and lattes. This is my Bright Sadness this year.

Ta-Da!

I am officially done my numbers!! I have delivered 20 widdle babies! 18 of them within the last 5 months!! Not only is that just great. But from now on I am stress-free, my clinical requirements have been met and the rest is just extras and more learning and fun. My first delivery was little baby Andrea way back in March, and my latest was a young Harley David. Yes, that's right, Harley David.
I have to say, its pretty cool - I've delivered 20 babies!

September's Baby Party

Best Hat Ever,
Best Name Ever (mine),
Best Hair Ever!

Things I've Thought

So here's the unbelievable truth... I heard White Christmas on the radio last night. For real! And I loved it, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I was about ready to call home to share the joy, when I looked at the clock and decided that a call wouldn't be appreciated.
So as I have said before, there is a LOT of dance built into Filipino culture. But I think I realized something more about it tonight. I was at the gym when the usual "I'm Too Sexy For My Body" aerobics class started, and as usual I joked with some of the trainers about it, and smirked and didn't dance! But as I gawked I realized that it is completely normal here for grown, straight men to work their stuff on the dance floor. I mean 40 year-old men are out there, not self-concious and grooving. Perhaps they don't have any ideas of embarassment?
For now I will not be joining in, I figure 6' tall and white is enough attention, without a dance performance. But you never know, if middle-aged men can dance and no one bats an eye, maybe it would be no more a show for me to join in. I'll let you know if I change my mind.
We had our August Baby Party this week, and I think that Baby Party Day is my favourite of the whole month! All of our moms get together at one time, and they're thanking God, and breastfeeding their babies, and singing and laughing, and showing off their babies! And some of the dads even come, and we coerce them into joining in too, (ok, so they don't breastfeed)! It's just the most tangible thing, I can't ever feel like my efforts here are wasted, I just look at the dozens of healthy, happy moms and babies. Eat cake with them, bless their babes and take lots of pictures! That's a day when joy is pretty easy!

Black Night

"Ride quickly into this black night!"
It's the first line of poem that's forming in my head right now. Yesterday I worked a busy 24hr shift that was just so many things. The clinic I'm working at has been open for 3 or 4 years now and birthed some 1200 babies, and yesterday was their very first fetal death.
Even though we transported the baby to hospital, nothing could be done. And that's pretty heartbreaking. But I can barely even feel anything about it. How could I know what it means to be a mom and raise a being from within yourself, and finally do the good work of bringing that person out into life, only to lose him a few hours later.
Being there and holding her hand is all I can do from right here, all I can do is pray. Just, "Jesus, come, make this right, make her heart right, come soon. Ride quickly into this black night!"
But the shift went on, there were more patients to care for, another baby to deliver, pulses to check, medicines to give, paperwork to fill out. Grief doesn't come when there's a good time for it. It comes in the midst of all the good things we'd hoped for. And sometimes you get to grieve, sometimes you just hear the news, put it aside, and turn to another patient.

Just Switch

To clear up any confusion, I am now writing my exam next August! The joy of my life means that no plan lasts longer a few months!
The board running the exam made a change to the timeline for our paperwork, that puts me and the girls I was studying with back 6 months. It's not the best situation, but it does allow me to slack off a bit on my Anatomy and Physiology homework!
So, I was doing prenatals this morning and I had two patients who just made me laugh, one mom is having her 7th baby, the other her 6th. One mom has 6 boys at home, the other has 5 girls. I don't think the stats give them a very good chance at finally having a girl or a boy, respectively. But I'm kinda tempted to pray that they do. I know they're due in a couple weeks, so the gender thing has kinda already been figured out for a long time, but God could do it. Don't think He will though.
I suggested they switch at birth. But they didn't go for it!

Next?

I worked a night shift last night and stayed on to deliver a baby boy at 9:30 this morning. And seriously, I think I delivered a toddler! At 8.8lbs, this baby out weighs any other local his age! It's amazing how a person can get used to a 6lb baby as normal. If I ever practice at home I'm going to be bowled over at the size of Western babies!
A couple of friends just wrote their big bad Midwifery licensure exam in the States, an exam I'm going to be facing this time next August. And it brings to mind that I have to try and figure out what is going on in my life after 2007. I've always had a plan, at least a short term one, or a long term goal. I don't feel like I have either anymore. So as I begin already to book things in for next year, I wonder what on earth I will be doing, and where I will be. Can I really make any plans at all?
I'm still open to direction, of course, but I'm hoping 2008 has a lot to do with Canada! And a few great trips to Jasper.

Baby Party - July's Babes

Well, it's already time for another Baby Party here at the clinic! So bring on the blue tint and lots more babies!

As we start the party, each of July's moms stood to introduce herself and babe, and Thank God for their safe delivery!

To prove that it's rainy season here, no one arrived without an umbrella!

Just as we do at every prenatal day, we also take time to worship God with our moms, in both Cebuano and English, each week we pray with any of our moms who want prayer.

Well, no baby is always happy!

It's easy to forget that the little ones delivered here at Glory Reborn grow up, become little people, and one day adults! This little beauty was born at the clinic over 2 years ago, and is enjoying some cake with her mom and baby brother (the screaming babe above).

A testament to breastfeeding, look at this gloriously chubby babe!

The angel in construction orange is baby Kim, baby "first name" Kim "last name", I don't remember the rest, but her middle name is mine!

"You really think I can wear this colour??"

No Room in the Inn

"There's no room in the Inn" - We've almost had to say that a couple times this week, but the grace of God has provided for our mothers just as He provided for His own.
At the clinic we are prepared to handle 2-3 moms in labour, and 3 postpartum moms staying anywhere from 24hrs to a couple weeks. We also have 3 beds downstairs for prenatals and check ups. Well this week we had a full house, and there were always women in labour. Family members of our moms were sleeping under their beds, and we even had moms staying in the midwife quarters too!
But the grace of God never sent more moms in labour than we could make room for, and he gave us wisdom for those emergencies that came up, and we had a very, very busy few days! Today was a little slower, and hopefully we'll have a couple days now to recuperate before another wave of precious new lives joins us!

Baby Party - June's Babes

Once a month we have a Baby Party to celebrate all the births of the last month. Parents and their babes are invited back for worship, blessing of the children, family planning info, immunizations, check-ups, gifts and cake!
Wow. It's busy! But it's pretty neat too, where else would these families get that kind of celebration put on for them?

Our welcome room and prenatal area, this is where patients are first examined for prenatals, labours and postpartums, and if we're ever really busy upstairs, some babies get born down here too!

What a privilege it is to pray over these babies and ask God's blessing and protection for them. Please note, the blue tinge does not indicate a weird spiritual aura (haha), our parties just happen underneath a blue tarp!

Some of our midwives preparing an immunization. They look really, really into it! Things usually aren't that dramatic around the clinic!

Baby Irish who I caught last week.

The First Touch

Well I know I've previously talked about a couple baby-catches, and I've assisted at plenty of births in the last 5 months. BUT... last night I had what was in my opinion my first Official, Official Baby Catch! It was such a high!!
I was the first person to ever get to touch that baby (a girl, yet unnamed)!! I got to be with the mom throughout labour, and when that head was born - reach down, to find no cord wrap, but one little hand grasping her little ear. I delivered that arm, and then the other and out came baby! Honestly, what a miracle!
Birth is amazing, Amazing and being a part of it as a doula, an assistant or primary midwife is an incredible privilege. There is a bond that's built between a mom and everyone present when she gives birth. Because you watch her perform a miracle, and demonstrate such incredible power, and then such gentle maternal love. And new life is too precious for words.
So friends, I caught a baby last night and it was fantastic! I guess I'll do it again soon!

This is the Day

I was closing in on the second lap of my morning run, when an unbeckoned song popped into my head; that classic Sunday School tune, "This is the Day." The words slipped from my mouth, while I panned the area to make sure no one could over hear, (which really shouldn't matter in a country where karoake is normal behaviour). "This is the day that the LORD has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it..."
So folks this was my day:
We visited Alma and her twins, and Mia did postpartum checkups all round.

One of Alma's beautiful daughters; Samaria, has claimed little Joseph (my favourite), as hers. She's pretty enthralled, and so motherly.
After posing with her boys, Samaria took helm with my camera and caught some shots of her own:
She catches a great smile from Ate Mia...
...while Ate Doris catches a wink and Alex entertains the neighbours...
...and I hold the boy with the greatest hair, so guwapo!
We stopped to visit 3 more recent deliveries - admiring babies, answering questions and doing checkups. As we rounded the bend to home we found some of our neighbour boys taking advantage of a breeze and flying small kites from the top of the garbage heap.
I don't feel like what we're doing here is very BIG, it certainly seems like half of a quarter of a drop in the bucket. And some days that is a real battle in my mind and my heart. But I have wise parents who stand beside me. And I have these good, sweet moments with our moms. And I am reminded that ultimately this is His day, I will rejoice and be glad to be a part of it. This is the day, this is day that LORD has made!

Joyful Moments

In the Philippines you call your elders Ate and Kuya, "big sister" and "big brother". And our Ate Doris is a darling friend who works with us in caring for moms and babes. We work in her community, with her neighbours, friends and family and she faithfully attends births, regularly finds new pregnant women, and translates for us. Her quiet and gentle spirit bless us, she works hard for her family and for the community, she is a sister in Christ and she is very special to us.
Last week, her eldest daughter Diane graduated from high school and we had the joy of giving her a grad gift - a new guitar! One of my deepest thrills is to give gifts, and this one was so meaningful! Diane and her younger sister Dorothy sing and play beautifully, they even win local contests, but previously they had to jam on a borrowed guitar. Now they have one for keeps. It was a beautiful moment for us, and Diane treated us to a mini concert right there!

Ate Doris and Diane.

This little one is my little Andrea Jesusa - she's one month already! Look at those little earings!

Baby Daniel

At home babies fit into a range of normal weights, babies that are anywhere from 6-9lbs are considered normal. In the Philippines, when a women has an 8lb baby, people ask her where she went to have her cesarean section!
Yesterday I caught baby Juan Daniel, who is a whole 3700g, which is more than 8lbs, and now all the neighbours are asking mom about her C/S. But Irene did not need one, she delivered normally and naturally and both her and her new son are in tip-top shape! And it was my privilege to be primary midwife, my first "official" catch! Observing and assisting at births is special, but being the first person to ever hold a baby, is an entirely new plane (thanks for the help dad...)!

Sometimes after we come home from a birth we're so tired we don't even make it to bed... nice one Mia!
The view from a Metro overpass; the street is EDSA and the place is Quezon City, which is where I live. May I say, this view is FAR prettier than the one we have seen on every other day since we've been here.
My DTS friend Sonja came to visit last week, we haven't seen each other in 2 years and it was so great to catch up! Sonja works with needy kids here in the Philippines, and God is doing great things in her life! I'm proud of you Sonja!

The Only Boys in Our Lives

Me with baby Joseph (with hat) and Yosuah. Joseph is baby one, and my favourite, hehe! The babies names got changed today!

Mommy Alma and her boys!
Beautiful Gerlene, our Filipina midwife.
Alex and Mia are pretty stinking excited!

(pictures come from Alex's camera)

An Other-Worldly Day

Today was not what we'd call normal, not for you, not even for me! Today started pretty normal: church, lunch, home. And then 3 seconds after we got home we get called to a birth! Which is good.
Alma is already far along, and has her baby at 1:45pm - a beautiful, wide-eyed boy (which is what she wanted). And we look at her belly and go - wait a second, that is still too big and firm. Yes, you called it - TWINS!! Surprise twins at that!
Basically twins are against the rules for midwives, mostly because so much can go wrong with the delivery of the second baby. So if we diagnose twins during pregnancy we have to refer mom to a doc. In this case we had not detected a second baby, and most of our patients don't get ultrasounds, cause they're expensive.
So imagine the shock and adrenaline that the discovery made! Both babies were head down (bum up), and both were born without problems, two healthy, full-size baby boys; Joseph and Yosuah! Dad was not present for the birth, so when he arrived after both boys were out, he was whooping, massively grinning, high-fiving and repeating "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" It was pretty fun!
But then, as soon as Alma was stable, three of us had to leave to attend the funeral of little baby Rylyn. So we changed our clothes and changed our moods and went to the public cemetary. A place where graves are stacked haphazardly on top of each other, just so many cement mounds, rising and falling in ranges. A place where squatters build homes, and sari-sari's over graves, and where children grow up. I can't describe how sad a place it is, there is just nothing sacred about that resting place. The funeral was just one tiny coffin placed into a cement hole, covered and then cemented in. No words were spoken, except by the drunk grandfather making jokes. Watching the process my insides began to panic, how can a loved one be cemented into such an unholy place? The poor mother and father watched quietly, and then we all left.
We returned to Alma and her boys, and spent a couple more hours with her, leaving her in the care of Gerlene at the clinic. And that was today. Two births and a funeral. Emotions across the spectrum, the reality of life here.

Desperate Heartache

Yesterday morning we woke to attend a birth, arriving at the clinic in confidence, awaiting the natural entrance of a new life. Hours later, at 4:00 we fought for that life, and at 5:00 we accepted that life would not come. We lost the baby.
To all the horror of that final hour, I can not give words. We did all that could be done, we fought a war for life. And we cried out-loud, begging God to act, speaking His holy word, proclaiming His goodness, we prayed desperate, faithful prayers for an hour and a half. But that tender, precious girl stayed resting in the arms of Jesus, and never woke to know this world.
The unimaginable truth is that everyday infant lives are snuffed out before they ever begin. It's a fact too sad and too wide for my mind to really know. But yesterday, I held one perfect, beautiful, lifeless baby. And I experienced the despair of her parents, sobbing husband clinging to heartsick wife. And I wept, and things broke inside me, and I was a part of one of those unimaginable moments. And now every thought, every conversation, even my sleep holds the memory of that one hour, that one baby.
Together now we wrap ourselves in prayer, we hold hands to walk home, we cry floods of tears, we unburden ourselves before Jesus. We make it through one day. And by the grace of God; tomorrow we will get through one more. Please:
Pray for Erlinda - a mother without a child. Pray for Gerlene - a women serving her people and trusting God's protection. Pray for us - small servants with broken hearts.

Andrea Jesusa

What a contented little baby!
A proud, confident mama.
Yes, it's 30C and babies wear mitts and booties!
Andrea, Me, Melba
Grace and Andrea
Way to go, now you made her cranky!

For the rest of her pics click HERE.