Bearing the Scars

On Saturday night, the worship keyed down, and the leader began speaking about the premature birth of one of his kids, and the battle for his life, the praying, the suffering and the leaning on Christ. And as often happens, my heart was transported to brokenness I've known in birth and death. And those pains were fresh in my heart, and in my eyes. So I'm standing just outside the auditorium, listening, praying, crying. And asking God to reveal why, I still hold these sufferings in my heart.
It's not that I think my hurts and trials even hold a shadow to the suffering of so many, I have been blessed by God, I don't pretend to have suffered myself. Instead, God has granted that I walk alongside others who suffer. Grieving women especially. I've seen abortion, I've seen stillbirth, I've told a mother her child did not survive.
And so the questions in my heart have remained, Why didn't our Lord intervene, when we prayed like we did? And, Why do I still bear these hurts so deeply? As painful as each of those moments were, I count it as privilege to have walked with those women in tragedy. But now it has been so long, why are these wounds so fresh, what can I better contribute or accomplish for the Kingdom because of these?
So I'm crying and asking God these questions. Wondering what to do with the pain, other than let it bleed out in my tears. And He reminded me that Christ bore the pain and sin of the world. And that God has always called His people to bear the suffering of mankind. I know these things, so I'm not angry or resentful, just lost. I return to the crowd of worshipers, still heavy hearted, and as we sing somewhere in the words God speaks to my heart. And my question is answered.
I bear these sufferings still because I can not become like my King if I do not. I follow the Suffering Servant, and to be made into His image, I too must bear the scars.

A Mighty Flood of Justice

This weekend our church has been fundraising and talking about the global sex trade, in our support of Serve Nepal, part of the SA Foundation, who are working with women who are coming out of the sex trade and giving them a safe place, new skills and restoring dignity. And as we were singing this morning God was speaking to me about His call to justice. Certainly not new territory for me, but a knowledge that has lain somewhat dormant lately. And especially in this place of working for a local church, in relative comfort and wealth, I am convicted.

We were singing, "You are the God of the broken/The friend of the weak/You wash the feet of the weary/Embrace the ones in need/I want to be like you Jesus/To have this heart in me/You are the God of the humble/You are the Humble King." And also, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is/There is Freedom", "I'm free/Free/I'm free/Free/I'm free."

And the Spirit reminded me - God is the Father and Protector of the humble and broken, something I think we all love and say "Amen" to. But there's that line, "I want to be like you Jesus/To have this heart in me," how can I sing that, and not be asking Christ to change me? How can I sing this song and not then go out to the humble, broken and weak. A simple revelation? For sure, but I don't think I've ever noticed that line in all the times I've sang that song. I've been moved by who God is and still never asked Him to make me Christ-like! At least not with that song.

And then we sang of the Freedom, and I was somewhat subdued and somber. How can I sing, "I'm free" when they are in bondage and suffering? What good, what gospel is there if I am free and that's just for me to enjoy and dance in and celebrate and cling to? The words fall empty and meaningless unless I bring freedom in word and in deed. But I didn't fall to despair because of that line, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is/There is Freedom," because I know that the Spirit is within me, is within all of His people. And His presence brings freedom. So yes - if we are not bringing freedom when we see injustice we are denying the Holy One within us. But also - if we will go to bring freedom, it is the power and character of the Spirit of God who will accomplish it! It is not by our might or strength or will. It is by obedience.

I was once told, "We are not free, until we are all free." And in worship of the King this morning the Lord reminded me of that. We in the wealthy Western church need to commit ourselves to stomping out injustice, whether it lies in our own cities, or in third world brothels. Whether it's in vogue or not. Whether it's safe or not. We have resources to serve the victims, and we make choices that are contributing to the demand! I pray that we will not deny the Holy One within us, and speak nice words of commitment when our actions prove our selfishness.

The Least

You might expect that being a midwife at a clinic that serves poor families in a 3rd world country, would just be a very rewarding experience. You might think that one would feel like they were were doing amazing ministry everyday. But for me, for the most part I overlook those things. I usually feel like I'm at work, it's good work, but still just work. But every once and a while, I catch a glimpse of the ministry being performed by my hands even when I'm "just working".
A woman labours through the night and as I take my shift in "labour watching", sitting with her, rubbing her back, breathing with her through each contraction, wiping hair and sweat from her face. I feel a moment of realization, I'm labour watching over Jesus. Wiping His brow, speaking encouragement to Him.
And on another night as I gently wash the dried blood off a new mother's body, my mind sees for a second that I am washing the legs and feet of Jesus. And I really truely know it, to the point that in that moment I can only pray, and that even writing this brings me tears.
I'm not writing this because I'm proud of these little things I've done. People do far greater things each and every day. I'm only writing because His words are true, "Whatever we do for the least of these, we do it for Him." And I can go to work and not expect to do or be or find any great thing. I can stare neediness in the face and not respond correctly, caringly and Christianly. That's me, I can do that. But sometimes God grabs ahold of my heart, and opens my eyes and I catch a glimpse of glory. Of worship. Of a God who chooses to be found "in the least of these."

Unpacking Words

There's an article on Relevant to check out - this man lives my (current) worst nightmare! He accidently checks his book/music/goodness filled carry-on right before a 25hr flight!!
Please LORD don't let that happen to me!
But I suppose the anecdote is not the point of the article. Unpacking words is the point. Unpacking words, like the way Alan unpacked "WORSHIP" today in church. Loved it!
Check the article (and not your carry-on) HERE.

The Deepest Ache

There is an article on 24-7 Prayer right now that urge you ever so much to read! It resonates so deeply with where my heart is at right now - feeling like time with God isn't happening. Do you know that feeling, that dull ache - like a hunger, almost tangible? But it fades so quickly because I quickly replace the realization of my desparation for God, with "busywork", with anything, with my entertainment and distraction. I am number one in my life. I am the end, the center, of all my thoughts and time. I feel the call of Christ. I hear His voice. But I am so weak.
I need to be transformed in the ultimate act of worhsip - time with Christ alone.
My hope is in Him, and that lately I HAVE been in His word, what goodness as He waters my soul. (Annie I feel your prayers.) Now I need to stop, and recognize that the LORD, Yahweh, the One who knows all, holds all, made all, He is waiting to commune with me. I want to worship Him.
Read the article and find that maybe you hear the call, and feel the ache. Go be quiet for just a moment, and find that God is there. He is already there. Worship Him.