Bearing the Scars

On Saturday night, the worship keyed down, and the leader began speaking about the premature birth of one of his kids, and the battle for his life, the praying, the suffering and the leaning on Christ. And as often happens, my heart was transported to brokenness I've known in birth and death. And those pains were fresh in my heart, and in my eyes. So I'm standing just outside the auditorium, listening, praying, crying. And asking God to reveal why, I still hold these sufferings in my heart.
It's not that I think my hurts and trials even hold a shadow to the suffering of so many, I have been blessed by God, I don't pretend to have suffered myself. Instead, God has granted that I walk alongside others who suffer. Grieving women especially. I've seen abortion, I've seen stillbirth, I've told a mother her child did not survive.
And so the questions in my heart have remained, Why didn't our Lord intervene, when we prayed like we did? And, Why do I still bear these hurts so deeply? As painful as each of those moments were, I count it as privilege to have walked with those women in tragedy. But now it has been so long, why are these wounds so fresh, what can I better contribute or accomplish for the Kingdom because of these?
So I'm crying and asking God these questions. Wondering what to do with the pain, other than let it bleed out in my tears. And He reminded me that Christ bore the pain and sin of the world. And that God has always called His people to bear the suffering of mankind. I know these things, so I'm not angry or resentful, just lost. I return to the crowd of worshipers, still heavy hearted, and as we sing somewhere in the words God speaks to my heart. And my question is answered.
I bear these sufferings still because I can not become like my King if I do not. I follow the Suffering Servant, and to be made into His image, I too must bear the scars.

DTP 2008

This last weekend we saw about 300 youth at DTP, the youth conference that we, the youth pastors of GP put on. They've been doing it for 5 years now, and this was my initiation. Going into it, I wasn't sure what to think, I guess I didn't have high expectations. But praise the Lord, He isn't limited by my doubts and small thinking. The weekend was very moving for me, everything the speaker was saying was resounding in my mind, and I was just praying that God would open the hearts of our youth to hear his words! Throughout the weekend their faces came to my mind, and I just prayed, asking God to open their hearts, this kid needs to hear this!


Mark Colwell, our speaker.


So I am grateful, and inspired, and feel like God has given me something to pursue with these youth, and some new resources to do it with. I'm excited!

Three Hills

I unexpectedly spent the weekend in the little town of Three Hills. A sudden opportunity came up and I traveled down with our Sr. High Youth leaders for a Youth Worker conference. I'm really glad we went, I think God really spoke to a couple of my co-workers, and that's an awesome thing.
The most encouraging thing for me, was hearing long term, "successful" youth pastors and profs, share about their absolute failures! Strange, right? It just really lifted a sense of guilt and inadequacy from my shoulders. It also normalized my experiences and struggles this Fall. And I have some new resources. It was time and cashola, well spent.
And I got to see Mia. It's been a year and a half, and we've never actually seen each other on Canadian soil, even though we live in the same province. It was very good to see her, it was a sort of debrief and catch up. And also a new light to see each other in, normal life, not life on steroids as our other experiences could be likened to. It was too short, but I am glad for the visit. Thanx for the tea Mia!

VIII

What can I give thee back, O liberal
And princely giver, who hast brought the gold
And purple of thine heart, unstained, untold,
And laid them on the outside of the wall
For such as I to take or leave withal,
In unexpected largesse? am I cold,
Ungrateful, that for these most manifold
High gifts, I render nothing back at all?
Not so; not cold,--but very poor instead.
Ask God who knows. For frequent tears have run
The colours from my life, and left so dead
And pale a stuff, it were not fitly done
To give the same as pillow to thy head.
Go farther! let it serve to trample on.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This Fall

It's Fall! Get out and enjoy it while you can!

A Mighty Flood of Justice

This weekend our church has been fundraising and talking about the global sex trade, in our support of Serve Nepal, part of the SA Foundation, who are working with women who are coming out of the sex trade and giving them a safe place, new skills and restoring dignity. And as we were singing this morning God was speaking to me about His call to justice. Certainly not new territory for me, but a knowledge that has lain somewhat dormant lately. And especially in this place of working for a local church, in relative comfort and wealth, I am convicted.

We were singing, "You are the God of the broken/The friend of the weak/You wash the feet of the weary/Embrace the ones in need/I want to be like you Jesus/To have this heart in me/You are the God of the humble/You are the Humble King." And also, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is/There is Freedom", "I'm free/Free/I'm free/Free/I'm free."

And the Spirit reminded me - God is the Father and Protector of the humble and broken, something I think we all love and say "Amen" to. But there's that line, "I want to be like you Jesus/To have this heart in me," how can I sing that, and not be asking Christ to change me? How can I sing this song and not then go out to the humble, broken and weak. A simple revelation? For sure, but I don't think I've ever noticed that line in all the times I've sang that song. I've been moved by who God is and still never asked Him to make me Christ-like! At least not with that song.

And then we sang of the Freedom, and I was somewhat subdued and somber. How can I sing, "I'm free" when they are in bondage and suffering? What good, what gospel is there if I am free and that's just for me to enjoy and dance in and celebrate and cling to? The words fall empty and meaningless unless I bring freedom in word and in deed. But I didn't fall to despair because of that line, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is/There is Freedom," because I know that the Spirit is within me, is within all of His people. And His presence brings freedom. So yes - if we are not bringing freedom when we see injustice we are denying the Holy One within us. But also - if we will go to bring freedom, it is the power and character of the Spirit of God who will accomplish it! It is not by our might or strength or will. It is by obedience.

I was once told, "We are not free, until we are all free." And in worship of the King this morning the Lord reminded me of that. We in the wealthy Western church need to commit ourselves to stomping out injustice, whether it lies in our own cities, or in third world brothels. Whether it's in vogue or not. Whether it's safe or not. We have resources to serve the victims, and we make choices that are contributing to the demand! I pray that we will not deny the Holy One within us, and speak nice words of commitment when our actions prove our selfishness.